Sorry for the Wait

I know I haven't posted anything in a few months, got really busy with my internship and family issues. So now I have returned with updates. My birthday was great, the office surprised me with cupcakes from one of those big cupcake places you see on Food Network. I finally bought a new tablet-PC but had to send it back last week since it stopped turning on. Also bought a Nook, which I'm happy to say I use all the time. July was pretty much all about my internship and the annual BBQ at my oldest cousin's house in Jersey. As usual, it was a "fake it til you make it" kind of event. Handed out a lot of business cards to very interested persons though. It felt good to see that my artwork was being recognized. Let's see, what else am I missing? Oh of course, how can I forget August, September and October!? August was my mom's birthday and my internship was extended until August 30th, which I was only happy about because of the extra funds to my savings. Other than that I wasn't really learning much or being challenged. September was my brother's birthday, went to Boston with my mom and Aunt, and I got extremely depressed. It got so bad I attempted suicide many times and the last time I ended up drinking bleach and being sent to a lock up unit. I should have been scared but I wasn't at all. I felt like nothing mattered anymore. My best friend started dating the father of my unborn child, never told me and she went ahead telling him herself when it clearly wasn't her place. To make matters worse, every little fight they had was somehow my fault and I had no clue what was going on in the outside world. I couldn't find I job and being done with school was making things worse too. When I got out I decided I wanted to get away from all the BS around me. I went to see Neurologist after because I started experiencing Vertigo. So now I'm on medicine that works to help my depression as well as fight the dizziness. My father and I took a trip to San Francisco. We were there the week of Halloween which was the coolest trip so far. Being away from NY felt so good and I didn't want to come back. I tried looking for jobs over there just so I could move away and leave the crap behind. I'm still looking, by the way. When we were coming home, out flight was almost delayed because of the shooting at LAX. That next week was my dad's birthday, I know a lot of birthdays, right! I think that covers everything up until this point.  I am doing better now, a bit more positive each day. It's a slow process but I am getting out of the dark place I was in. Now that I'm still unemployed and painting requests have declined(feel free to contact me if you'd like one), I'll be able to update this blog more often. Until next time...

First Week

Started my internship this past week. First day was in Manhattan. It was orientation and training, the usual first day stuff. Then they decided to have me go to JFK for the rest of the week. I'm right next door to my dad now. Not happy about that. No ID so I have to be escorted to and from the office. I can't even leave the office all day. Plus there are no windows so I feel sick everyday. Oh and on Thursday I had to go home because I had food poisoning. Good thing the bathroom is inside the office. I'm basically supposed to be doing a quality assurance project but its taking off slowly. Been making copies and stapling papers. The only good part is I'm making $20/hr. I'll be able to get my car fixed and buy myself a computer for my birthday in 11 days. And also maybe a nook or kindle. So far week one was good.

All Too Fast

So I went to Barbados for a few days with my mom and her friend. It was my gift from my mom. Those few days were perfect. Come back home and I'm so depressed. I'm invisible to everyone. People who are supposed to be my friends are lying to me and leading me on. They've been having parties and BBQ's and not inviting me but invited people close to me. I'm not alone with this feeling of being left out. It's really annoying and on top of it my dad got me this internship that starts way too soon. I've been thinking about ending my life for the past 3 hours. No one will care. They say they will but they don't. Been crying for the past 2 hours. Got my car back earlier today and all I wanna do is drive it straight into a tree or an oncoming train. I just wanna be at a better place and stop crying myself to sleep every night.

Been a While

So I am now a college graduate. Graduation was great. It was a clear day, no problems and went fast. Unfortunately though on the way home my transmission went and my car had to be towed all the way home. It sucks not having a car but no one has called me to do random things for them. My best friend who's a mechanic came this morning to check it out and will help my dad this weekend either fix it or junk it. I don't know but I will be in Barbados until Sunday. Been there so many times I can't even count but going to my favorite beach makes me happy. One of my new friends has asked me to design a website for her so I can't wait to get back and get started. I have my own website, so since hers will be for what mine is about, she is looking at mine for ideas. I'm all packed, just want to get on the plane already. I'll try to remain calm this trip as this mini vacation is just me and my mom. The last time it was just the two of us was when I was a baby. That was over 20 years ago. Hopefully she leaves me to my ocean and book. That way my head is clear for work when I get back to NY. I really wish my dad and brother were going too. It's more fun because they know how to swim and have fun. If my dad didn't have the opening of the new Delta Terminal 4 this weekend then I'm sure he would have come too. It's not going to be the same without those two but I'll have a book and the ocean to distract me. Oh and good real food too! Fishcakes and bake, yum!

Graduation Rehearsal

So today was my rehearsal for graduation. It definitely was a long day. From construction traffic to being lost in Brooklyn, I'd say I'm super tired. Spent time with an old friend but it still felt lonely. It finally hit me as I cried in the car as soon as I drove into Queens. I'm graduating. Life begins. Still can't get a job. My head really hurst from the sun being so hot today. I feel even more alone as each day passes. Maybe I'm depressed. But who wouldn't be in this world we live in. Well that's it for this, it was a long day of just driving. Ugh.

It's Time

So this isn't my first time blogging. I've used blogs for various classes during my four years at the mount, my collage. Just thought I'd create a new one just to vent since it looks like I don't have any true friends. People these days are not what they used to be. I graduate in three days and I'm freaking out but no one cares or sees it. My stress and anxiety levels are getting up there and my psoriasis on my hands is getting worse because of it. I really wish I could relax but as usual, I have to do everything. My father and brother do absolutely nothing. It's me and my mom but she goes to a million gym classes so that just leaves me. I'm physically tired from lifting and moving things that are way too heavy for me. I already have bad knees, back etc.. No one listens to me, I get blamed for everything, and I'm so tired of all of it. I made this blog so that maybe someone out there reads it and maybe truly wants to help me by becoming true friends. I just want to get a job and get out of this house. Sometimes the only place to let go of your own stress is the Internet. I just hope no one takes my thoughts the wrong way, as things like this are posted on the Web.